Sand & Sky Brilliant Skin Pink Clay Mask

I received this mask in my February ipsy bag. The first I noticed was that instead of instructions or an ingredients list, there is a Vitamin A warning.

The warning isn’t super useful. I’ll spare you the google rabbit hole: Vitamin A is retinol. Retinol sensitizes your skin to the sun. I would recommend using this mask at night and wearing sunscreen afterwards. There’s a small risk of excessive Vitamin A intake if you’re pregnant. I should not be your main source of advice if you’re pregnant.

The second thing I noticed was that this was the absolute stingiest sample I have ever received. They should have sent a foil packet. This tube contains enough product for one very thin application. One.

It’s not very pink, either. They cut the pink clay with bentonite. That doesn’t sound sexy, but bentonite is made from volcanic ash. Where’s my pastel metal volcano advertising? Missed opportunity.

True to ipsy fashion, this mask burns like a mother as it dries. It didn’t break me out or make my skin red, though. My skin even felt SUPER smooth and soft after. It was nice. It made me forget that this smelled vaguely like a hospital.

So, I looked up purchasing it and —

The website looks like a marketing scam. If you changed all of the pink to yellow, it would be an ebook money grab targeting old people.

Guys. Don’t pay $50 for a product that doesn’t tell you to wear sunscreen with it.

While we’re at it, calm down with the “not tested on animals” hype. Do you know why they don’t test their product on animals? Because everything in it has already been extensively tested on animals. There’s nothing innovative or new going on here. It’s not a commitment to animal welfare. They aren’t testing because they don’t have to and it’s easier to not do it. Everything you use that is “cruelty-free” is built on years of animal testing. That’s a low bar for changing the world. I’ll be impressed when we’re pioneering biodegradable packaging and cutting down on water used in production. If a company isn’t doing that, I don’t care.

I’m mostly just mad that it’s $50. That’s obscene.

What’s the most expensive dirt that you’ve ever rubbed on your face? This is mine.

Sephora Collection Sleeping Mask in Pearl

I was so mad at myself for buying this when it arrived with the rest of my order. I had read reviews talking about what a great value it was at $4. And yes, Sephora is expensive, but I had something larger in mind.

  

I work in milliliters, and am still not sure how this is 8mL.

Now that I’ve complained, guess how many uses I got out of this? Five. That brings us down to 80 cents a use. I think that’s an acceptable value for a treat. I was wrong, Sephora. A little goes a long way with this sleeping mask.

I also genuinely enjoyed using it. It reminded me a lot like a sheet mask, but I didn’t feel like I was creating as much trash. I was able to goop enough on that I got a nice, cooling sensation for a few minutes. I do recommend giving yourself some buffer time between putting this on and going to bed. I didn’t have to wipe it off my face, but it did take a little while (10-15 minutes) to absorb enough that I didn’t feel like it would just disappear into my pillow.

The pearl “flavor” advertises that it “evens and helps minimize irregularities for skin tone that is even, fresher, and brighter”. I don’t really have skin irregularities (?) or worry about uneven skin tone, but I did think my skin felt moisturized in the morning. After five uses I’m also tempted to say that my skin looked “brighter”, but I am also in the middle of updating my skincare routine. Nicer skin could be due to a number of things at the moment.

Oh no, I guess that means I have to try this again when my routine settles down so that I can scientifically say if it actually works or not.

The next time I order from Sephora I’m going to buy every “flavor” of these. They may be replacing my sheet mask habit.

March 2018 Ipsy Bag

The situation: You give ipsy $10 a month. Ipsy sends you a “curated” bag of makeup samples. Mostly I hate it.

This month seems genuinely good? I don’t understand. My whole thing is that I’m locked into a year long subscription and everyone thinks it’s fun to watch me suffer.

This month’s theme is “create”. I’m not going to color the bag, but I have no snark for it.
I’m so suspicious.

What’s in my bag

And the swatches. Top to bottom: City Color cream highlighter (finger swatched), City Color powder highlighter (finger swatched), Stud lip pencil, and then the City Color powder highlighter brush swatched with the fan brush they sent me. You can see it if you squint.

ROYAL & LANGNICKEL Prismatic Ombre Fan Brush

I was unenthusiastic about this originally. I like my highlighter heavy handed and think the bright colors make this brush look cheap. HOWEVER, ipsy sent me highlighter that is basically bronzer when applied with anything else that I own. This brush lets me subtly apply the sparkles without so much of the pigment. You win, ipsy.

Purchase or pass: I’m probably never going to buy a makeup brush with the rate that subscription boxes send them out, lets be honest.

CONTOUR COSMETICS Lip Kit Pencil in Stud
We can all rest easy. I think this is awful. Crumbly, applies patchy, and rubbed off as soon as I pursed my lips. The tip immediately broke off when I tried to use it. It would be asking too much of ipsy to have them send me a usable lip color product. Balance is restored to the universe.

Purchase or pass: Direct to trash. I have two lip liners that I like all ready, I don’t need to settle for this one.

GLOSSIER Balm Dotcom in Original
Ipsy sent me something that I was planning on buying! It’s lip balm. I don’t know what other description you want from me.

Purchase or pass: It’s basically lanolin and Vaseline. It’s not so overpriced that I wont order it from their website at least once. Do you guys recommend anything else from Glossier? I’ll be trying Boy Brow at some point.

CITY COLOR COSMETICS Glow Duo

I think this is my third month in a row getting something from City Color. Ipsy needs to lay off of them and highlighter. I can only glow so much. BUT, let’s be honest, I’m going to use it.

Purchase or pass: Pass. I’ll use it until it dies, but the cream side dries a little flaky. It’s not nearly as good as Watts Up or the highlighter in the Maybelline Master Camo palette. The powder side sits on my skin better but is so dark that I can only use a little at a time.

MEG COSMETICS Good Night PM Mask
I’m training them to mail me sheet masks and it is GLORIOUS. I did google the fancy plant they’re bragging that this is made of, camellia sinensis. It’s fucking tea. Drop the pretentiousness.

Purchase or pass: You guys know by now that this will be getting it’s own post, right? Stay tuned to see if it burns my skin off or is normal. There is no in between.

I’m only trashing one thing this month and nothing emotionally traumatized me! Do you think ipsy is turning things around? Or do they realize that we’re nearing the end of my subscription and just want me to renew?

 

Hard Candy Fierce Effects Lip Gloss in Plum Diva

It’s been a while since I’ve posted about lipstick. It’s been winter in the northeast. My skin has been SO DRY that even with excessive moisturizing and doubling my water intake, I haven’t been able to wear lipstick very often.

So I’ve dug into my lip gloss reserves. I don’t like lip gloss. It’s sticky, shiny, and smears onto everything. This one is okay, though. I’ve been getting some compliments on it.

It doesn’t go on quite as purple as I want it to, but it’s pretty solid and fades evenly. It does feather. I’ve been able to keep it in check with a clear lip liner. The two pictures below show this gloss right after application (left) and about 8 hours later (right).

I would tell you that you could get this at Wal Mart for $5, except it’s out of stock. It apparently had a short run in 2015 and has been gone for..a while.

I have had this lip gloss for three years. It is still mostly full. I know people that have created entire humans & have taught them to walk in the time it has taken me to start wearing this lip gloss.

That’s gross. How old does a lip gloss need to be before it can kill you? I’m sure there’s a little icon somewhere on the tube telling me to throw it out after six months.

I’m not going to. It doesn’t go near my eyes, so I think the risk for damage is pretty small.

What do you have floating around that should really go in the trash by now?

February 2018

Thank you, February, for being like two days long after January lasted for five years.

A Blog Update

I bought a domain! April Speaks is now Grumpy Skin. One of my 2018 goals was to put more effort into my blog. Do you know what motivates you to put more effort into your blog? Spending money on it.

Hopefully this year long subscription is more enjoyable than ipsy.

Nice Life Things

My friend in South Korea sent me some nice sheet masks! I’m reviewing all of them. Be patient.

And, I surprised the boy with an anniversary/Valentine’s date to an unlimited dessert buffet. Feminism is really ruining relationships. Look at how much we’re suffering.

Podcasts

Managed Retreat (Episode 293) by 99% Invisible
What do you do with buildings on the coast when the ocean starts eating up the shoreline?

A Very Fatal Murder by The Onion
Start with episode 1. The ultimate true crime podcast.

Episode 84: Masterpiece by Criminal
Do you ever feel like your crime stories need 100% more poodles? Here you go.

The secrets of church, state and business by Reveal
I had somehow missed the Jehovah’s Witness child sex abuse scandal, so I was glad to be going through the Reveal back catalog this week. I’m no longer avoiding eye contact outside of the train station, I’m glaring.

The story about high speed internet is also worth a listen. The situation in my home town is a bit better than it was growing up, but we’re still leaving the south behind.

The Man Who Ate Everything by Sawbones
I am fascinated, upset, and need to read a biography now. My favorite feeling.

Episode 2: Something Large and Wild by This is Love
Have you guys noticed that I love the podcast Criminal? 2018 is looking up because now they’re making a second podcast about love. Please listen to this. It’s beautiful, unexpected, and makes me miss my aquarium so much.

Fire and Fury by Michael Wolff

I pre-ordered this book because Trump was mad about it. That’s the type of person that I am. I was excited to read a whole 300 pages that exist in the world solely to cause Trump distress. I can be petty.

This book was so disappointing.

Did you know Trump has the attention span and leadership skills of a four year old? Cool, me too. Do you want to hear that repeated for 300 pages with no in depth discussion about anything else? Yeah, me neither. I finished this book so you don’t have to.

The excerpts that were released beforehand are the best parts. If you read that and have a basic awareness of the last year, you have read this book.

My problems with it:

– The book was clearly rushed to publication without proper editing.

There’s a part in the earlier chapters talking about how Trump couldn’t possibly have colluded with Russia (because he’s too dumb) and that any ties were probably loose, shady business ones. We ‘find out’ later that yes, there were meetings with Russia. Everyone who has been conscious for any part of the last year knows this, so the earlier bit reads REALLY WEIRD. It’s not written well enough to come off as a linear telling of the story with a big Russia reveal.

The tone of the narration is all over the place. Some of it is from a passive observer, most of it is clearly loosely transcribed Steve Bannon. There was so much more of Steve Bannon’s voice and opinion than I have ever wanted.

– There’s nothing new in it.

I have not been following politics as much as I should be. I get my headlines on twitter, and then I get half of a sentence from Jake Tapper once a week before I put my headphones on to drown out the constant despair spiral.

I have apparently been keeping up with the minutia of the government. I learned nothing about the administration. I learned nothing about any of the constant big crises. I wasn’t even aware that I knew what everyone’s jobs were, but it turns out that I know better than the administration. Surprise.

– I don’t want to hear about how rational Ivanka and Jared are.

Complicit.

– It paints Trump as a harmless idiot.

Most of the book talks about how lol dumb Trump is with no discussion of the repercussions. People are being deported. People are losing their jobs. People are having their rights taken away. The Constitution is being shredded. We might find out if you can cause a nuclear winter on Twitter. THERE ARE ACTUAL NAZIS OPENLY ROAMING THE COUNTRY. But really, the book insists, Trump isn’t threatening and no one in the government knows what they’re doing, so no cause for concern.

It’s so bad I’m going to go full conspiracy on you and say that Trump’s puppet masters read this, saw how weak of a criticism it actually was, and decided to draw a lot of attention to it so that we thought these were our actual problems.

It was so mediocre.
I’m not going to tell you to not read it, because I refuse to have a common opinion with white supremacists, but it was a struggle to get through.

January 2018

Was everyone else’s January really, really long? I sat down to make this list of neat things because it had been SO LONG, of course I had done SO MUCH. No, it has been 30 days and I’ve been reading the same two books, which means that I have finished neither.

Podcasts

Thermal Delight (Episode 291) by 99% Invisible
One of my favorite things is a design story that veers off and slaps you with the realities of climate change. That is not sarcasm.

The Prairie Chicken in Wisconsin: Highlights of a Study of Counts, Behavior, Turnover, Movement, and Habitat (Episode 120) by The Memory Palace
Another one of my favorite things is a good story about an “unladylike” trailblazing lady.

Wolf 359
I put off listening to the Wolf 359 finale for a month. I still wasn’t ready. It was such a good fiction podcast. I cried over an AI so many times. I’m bummed that it’s over, but I’m also really proud of the creators for knowing how to properly end a story instead of letting it become a shell of its original potential.

Sawbones
I don’t even have a specific Sawbones episode to recommend this month. I’ve been powering through old episodes. When I reach the end, I think I’m qualified to be a doctor. Pretty sure.

Games

Fallout 3
Yes, you heard me. Fallout 3 from a decade ago. I didn’t have an Xbox in high school and am catching up now.

Did you like the controls in Skyrim, but really want to play something in a post apocalyptic DC? Want to kill giant bugs and steal the declaration of independence? I do. Also, the bar for video games is so low that I was genuinely thrilled that I got to play as a woman. Bethesda is looking out for me. I’m forgiving that sometimes characters still call me “he”.

January 2018 Ipsy Bag

For the uninitiated: Ipsy is a monthly beauty bag subscription. You give them $10, and a garbage algorithm decides what leftover lipstick colors you get this month. I bought a year subscription and have to live with my decision until July.

This month’s theme is vaguely sporty. I understand the dry shampoo for gym days, but a contour palette? Okay, ipsy. I’m sure you’re trying to be coherent.

What’s in my bag

First, this is a horrifyingly ugly bag with a horrifying texture. Check out how reflective that stripe is! I’m never using this bag for anything. In the pile it goes.

ABSOLUTE NEW YORK Eye Artiste Single Shadow in Posse

I like shimmery, neutral eye shadow colors. I was hoping for the brown, but ipsy heard me say I liked the pink eye shadow last month and gave me a baby shimmery pink. This eye shadow is not the best for me. It also comes with a straight up insulting applicator. It’s so tiny and awkward.

Purchase or pass: The colors are atrocious. Pass.

ORIBE HAIR CARE Gold Lust Dry Shampoo

The dry shampoo that I bought two years ago is starting to run out, so this is right on time. I clearly don’t use a lot of dry shampoo, but it’s appreciated. It doesn’t leave a weird visible residue in my dark hair. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’ll use it.

Purchase or pass: A 6 oz bottle is $46. It is dry shampoo. I understand luxury make up items are a treat, but luxury dry shampoo? It’s literally for when you don’t want to wash your hair. No.

NYX PROFESSIONAL MAKEUP Lip Lingerie in Satin Ribbon

If you’re going to go for a straight up light beige color, your formula has to be ROCK SOLID.

My lips are heavily moisturized here. Gross.

Purchase or pass: I actually have this lipstick in the darker, more flattering Exotic. It also settles into the lines of your lips, but it has great staying power. I’m convinced this color is in ipsy’s bag because it’s not selling well.

DERMELECT Microfacial Exfoliating Masque

We’ll talk about this one in it’s own post. I’ll give you a disclaimer here, though. It has pumice in it. Don’t make a habit of rubbing sand on your face. That’s a terrible idea.
Purchase or pass: ACTUAL SAND ON YOUR FACE.

CITY COLOR COSMETICS Contour Palette

I’ve never tried to hardcore contour before, but this palette seems pretty good. Two complaints: the middle color is a little orange and the whole thing smells vaguely of sunscreen.

I look downright gaunt. Is that the goal?
Anyway, he’s a swatch where I swear I’ve swatched the white. I’m just really pale.

Purchase or pass: I’m not sure that I need to contour. I’m already pretty pointy. City Color has some good products at affordable prices, though.

A perfectly mediocre haul, yet again. Stay tuned for next month’s post, where I beg ipsy to free me.

December 2017 Ipsy Bag

I was worried DHL ate this one, which would be my luck the month that ipsy finally sent me red lipstick.

Ipsy’s proofreading is still going strong this month, as well. All of my items were consistently capitalized for the second month in a row. Are things looking up?

What’s in my bag

PURLISSE BEAUTY Coconut + Rice Nourishing Sheet Mask AND Green Tea + Ginger Treatment Sheet Mask

I was scared to try this one. Do you remember the mugwort masks? Those stung without having ginger in them. Luckily, the ginger one mostly smelled like green tea and I didn’t die. Weird.

Pros: Smells great, relaxing, is made of the nice thick sheets that I liked instead of the paper thin ones.
Cons: They cost $6 a piece at their cheapest.
Purchase or pass: My sheet mask stash is running low, so I looked into buying them. I can’t justify spending $40 for six sheet masks.

CHELLA Eyebrow Defining Gel
It does absolutely nothing. It’s clear. It has no hold. I thought that maybe I trim my eyebrows too short, so I also tried them on the very patient boy’s. Nothing happened.
Purchase or pass: It’s in the trash now.

Swatches of everything else:

SMASHBOX COSMETICS Be Legendary Lipstick in Legendary
Pros: Is red (middle swatch).
Cons: Do you remember when everyone realized that you could melt crayons into coconut oil and make your own lipstick? I’m pretty sure that’s all this is, even though the ingredients list a bunch of other things. It’s very watery. You need to put a fair amount on to get the nice red color. It immediately feathers. If you blot it, it’s okay? Definitely not legendary.
Purchase or pass: I’m going to experiment with some lip liners before I throw it away.

NYX PROFESSIONAL MAKEUP Faux Blacks Eyeliner in Midnight
I’ve taken all eyeliner off of my ipsy profile despite genuinely wanting to wear it.
Pros: Color is neat. It’s dark without being black, but blue without being that 80’s blue.
Cons: Smudges with my primer. Can’t get crisp lines.
Purchase or pass: Is all eyeliner terrible?

CITY COLOR COSMETICS Shimmer Shadow in It’s A Girl
You know my spirit is broken when my favorite thing in an ipsy bag is metallic pink eye shadow.
Pros: Doesn’t crease with my primer, high color payoff. Shiny.
Cons: Rubs off very easily, even with primer. Pink.
Purchase or pass: The other colors look pretty nice. I really like City Color’s Be Matte lipsticks, so I might buy some of them.

November 2017 Ipsy Bag

I “only” have seven months left of my year subscription. Oh boy.

This month’s theme is “All You”, which sounds suspiciously like something that a “market your product to millennials” random word generator spat out.

And side note, this month ipsy decided to capitalize the brand name of ALL of my items instead of one or two! You’re finally doing great at proofreading, bby.

What’s in my bag

MARC ANTHONY Hydrating Coconut Oil & Shea Butter Oil Treatment
Pros: Smells great. It does actually smooth my hair without making it a greasy mess.
Cons: The bottle doesn’t close. It’s oil. If I even think about this bottle tipping over, everything in my bathroom will be ruined.
Purchase or pass: I can’t figure out where to buy this in a bottle instead of a foil packet. No one wants to buy a foil packet that contains more than one use of a product.

Here’s a swatch of the rest:

COLOURPOP COSMETICS Pressed Powder Shadow in Paper Tiger
I was pissed that I was being sent yellow eyeshadow. I don’t wear yellow. I don’t have the complexion for yellow. I’m pale with pink undertones. Yellow is BAD. This yellow is…passable, though.

I still have no idea what I’m going to DO with it, but I could probably smoke it out with some brown eyeshadow and look okay. Bonus points for not budging when I washed everything off my face.
Purchase or pass: One day I’m going to do a ColourPop haul, so I was happy the quality was good even if this is the last color I would ever pick.

LIME CRIME Diamond Crushers in Lit
I have some feelings about Lime Crime. On one hand, there is all of the drama. On the other, people really like the velvetines. This lipstick wasn’t the greatest introduction to them. There isn’t enough pink under the glitter to get a crisp line, and the glitter is too dense to really wear over a darker lip. It’s an awful color for me. I think ipsy knew this was going to be a weird one, so the website insists that it can also be worn as a highlighter.

If you like your highlighter to look like straight glitter, then sure.

It does smell really good. I want to eat it.
Purchase or pass: I want to throw it away, but I’m inexplicably attached to it.

TARTE Deluxe Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Blush in Feisty
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this blush. I have no snark for you. It blends. You can build up coverage. It works nicely with my skin tone. My only reservation is that the bronzer from this same line broke me out
Purchase or pass: It’s $29. I have student loans, so we’re gonna pass.

TRÈSTIQUE Mini Brow Pencil in Espresso
Hey, did you notice how irritated my arm was in that swatch picture? It’s because this thing’s wax-to-pigment ratio is way off. It wont write. It’s also too orange to match my eyebrows.
Purchase or pass:  Direct to trash.